Friday Funny

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put €50 in the  poor box.'

The  Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over  to the poor box.

He paused for a moment  and then started to leave.

The priest, who was  watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put  any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the  same as putting it in!'

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 Lemon  Squeeze

There  once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering  the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have  sinned.'

The  priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,  'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven  times.'

The priest  thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass  and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked,  'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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  Donation

Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Taxation Department. Can  you help us?'

'I'll try!'

 'Do  you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your  congregation?'

'He  is!'

'Did he  donate €10,000 to the church?'

'He  will!'


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Confession

An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation  ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,  grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each  of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a  Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

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  Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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Senility

An  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting  senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip  up.'


  'That's  not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip  down.'

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  Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in  the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.

'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a  complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little b******s! '
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Marriage  Humour

Wife: 'What  are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ?  You've been reading our marriage certificate  for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the  expiry date.'

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Wife:  'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my  choices?'

Wife: 'Yes  or no.'

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  Stress  Reliever 

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten  your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you,  darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't  married yet.'

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Son: 'Mum,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my  seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right  thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on  Daddy's lap.'

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A  newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my  father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A  FORTUNE!'

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A  wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He  looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of  humour!'

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Husbands are husbands

A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.

'What  was that for?' the man asked.

The  wife replied, 'That  was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in  your trouser pocket.’

The  man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The  wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three  days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head  with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
   

Upon  re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
   Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'

I hope I have made you smile today!  I am sharing these with my Buddie Annie.