Friday, 1 May 2015

Friday Funny

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.  She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew them because we have no teeth” she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them”.  
 
I am linking this up with Annie for her Friday Smiles.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Rudolph Day - April Edition

Hello Peeps

Its the end of April already? Really? How did that happen?

Time I joined in with Mo for this month's Rudolph Day post. Sorry I am a little late, but I was away in Harrogate for a long weekend and unfortunately the WiFi at the hotel we stayed at wasn't up to the job, so I had to leave it til I came home. Great weekend though and Fergus had a great time too!

Right... onto my cards I am sharing ...


 First up is one of my Funkie Junkie Christmas tags, slightly modified so that it doesn't cost me an arm and a leg to post, mounted onto a card which was stamped with my Tim Holtz stamp and embossed with WOW embossing powder. I added some Sue Wilson corner flourishes and stars.



 Number two is another FJ tag mounted onto a Snippet of black and white paper and I used another Snippet to cut a MB and Spellbinders die cut which I inked with Versamark and embossed with sparkly embossing powder.

And finally, this Bo Bunny piece was left over from my Christmas Album and I didn't want to cut it. I mounted it onto another piece left over from my C Album and adhered these onto a square card. I cu another MB border from a Snippet.

The piece of lace was taken off another tag, as was the K&Co sentiment and rosette so they all got adhered on this card. I inked the edges of the card, added some sparkly gems and card finished.

Three more cards for the box!

And seeing as I mentioned Fergus...here is a photo of the boy at Bettys Tea Room in Harrogate on Saturday...

Off to join Mo at the Rudolph Day and also my Playmates at the Snippets Playground.

Thanks for calling by.

Hettie

Friday, 24 April 2015

Friday Funny

Trip to Italy.......

A young blonde woman from Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the rocks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." 

"He certainly is," replied the Captain. “This is the cross Channel Ferry"

Linking up with Annie for Friday Smiles

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Happy Birthday Mandy...Retake on a Card!

Hello
 
Where did last week/weekend go then?  But wasn't it a lovely week weatherwise?  Enjoy it while it is hear as according to the weather app on my phone we are due for some wet stuff at the end of the week!
 
Today I want to share with you a remake of a card I made some time ago HERE . Good grief that was October 2011!!
 
This time I used my latest plaything....Brushos...to make the background....
 
I used just two colours both NBUS on watercolour paper.  I sprayed my water with some white Perfect Pearls in the spritzer which gives the Brushos a lovely shimmer.   I meant to cut the top off , but I decided I liked the notepad look!
 
I stamped the Penny Black stamp with white ink and WOW white embossing powder.  Keeping the previous card in mind I added some faux stitching around the edges and some string and button. 
 
I stamped the sentiment from Paperartsy over another Snippet piece of watercolour paper which had been Brusho'd as above.
 
The base card is a Snippet left over from my Christmas Album, which I will be sharing some time soon I promise!
 
I am going to share this with the Snippets Playground as well as Penny Black who are looking for Birthday...as mentioned in the title...this is Mandy's Birthday card which she loved!!
 
Thanks for calling by and please leave me a message so I know you have been.
 
Hettie
xx
 

Friday, 17 April 2015

Friday Funny

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put
50 in the  poor box.'

The  Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over  to the poor box.

He paused for a moment  and then started to leave.

The priest, who was  watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put  any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the  same as putting it in!'

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Lemon  Squeeze

There  once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering  the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have  sinned.'

The  priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,  'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven  times.'

The priest  thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass  and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked,  'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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  Donation

Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Taxation Department. Can  you help us?'

'I'll try!'

 
'Do  you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your  congregation?'

'He  is!'

'Did he  donate €10,000 to the church?'

'He  will!'


  
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Confession

An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation  ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,  grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each  of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a  Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

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  Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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Senility

An  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting  senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip  up.'


  
'That's  not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip  down.'

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  Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in  the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet.
 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.

'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a  complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little b******s! '
  ------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage  Humour

Wife: 'What  are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ?  You've been reading our marriage certificate  for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the  expiry date.'

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Wife:  'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my  choices?'

Wife: 'Yes  or no.'

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  Stress  Reliever 

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten  your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you,  darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't  married yet.'

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Son: 'Mum,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my  seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right  thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on  Daddy's lap.'

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A  newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my  father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A  FORTUNE!'

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A  wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He  looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of  humour!'

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Husbands are husbands

A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.

'What  was that for?' the man asked.

The  wife replied, 'That  was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in  your trouser pocket.’

The  man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The  wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three  days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head  with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
   
Upon  re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
   Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'



I hope I have made you smile today!  I am sharing these with my Buddie Annie.

Monday, 13 April 2015

Happy Birthday Mo...

Hello 

Gosh did you hear that noise last night?  It was a loud whoosh as the weekend just skated past!!  It was a good weekend at Chez Hettie but very quick.  Anyone know where that shiny thing in the sky has gone?

I have been meaning to share this card I made a little while ago for a certain friend of mine.  It took a fair while to get to the recipient so didn't share when I meant to.  

Background was made from swooshing some DIs onto my craft mat (can't for the life of me remember what colours exactly but if you need to know I will try and remember a little harder).  Then I sprayed some water and dabbed the card into it drying, and repeating.  

After the background was dry I took one of the colours and my favourite Tim Holtz stamp and stamped it.  The Sentiment is Hero Arts and was NBUS at the time!

Next flowers.  Now I know this person really likes flowers so cut several layers using a Sizzix die.  Coloured with more DIs before drawing "veins" in with Copics.   The camera has made the veins look quite stark but IRL they were a little muted.  
Out came my moulding mat and I set about making three different flowers just by moulding them differently in each  case.  I liked the look, though the card tried to split into layers so I must remember not to use that particular card again for this.  Some leaves which I coloured again with DI (Mowed Lawn - funny how I remember this one!) and then set about adhering the flowers to the background.

One envelope to match and I was ready to post the card over the water.

I used Snippets on this card so off to join the Snippets Playground.  

Have a great week, and if anyone sees the yellow shiny thing please put it back in the sky.

Thanks for calling by.

Hettie

Friday, 10 April 2015

Friday Funny

Donald & Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," she said and pulledouta packet from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"



You smiled ... I saw you!! ok!!! now leave a comment and pop over to Annie's blog to see some more Friday Smiles!