Friday, 26 February 2016

Friday Funnies

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

 I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,


 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 

 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

 I said, "Dust."

 And then the fight started...

 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said,

'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 And then the fight started........

 I rear-ended a  car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 That's how the fight started.

Hope you enjoyed my funnies this morning.  Off to share them with Annie over at Friday Smiles!  Have a great weekend everyone!!



Annie said...

Sam!!! never fail to make me smile on a Friday morning. Priceless. :-) :-) :-)
Annie xxx

Kathyk said...

Tee Hee, love your FF slot


Lunch Lady Jan said...

Brilliant, made me larf!
Hugs, LLJ xxx

Barb said...

Morning Hettie, Absolutely Fantastic. I'm going to send a link to my bestie. She'll love these. Have a lovely weekend. Barbxx

Twiglet said...

Oh Sam - thanks for that - I am chuckling out loud here - all by myself!! x Jo

505whimsygirl said...

Tee hee. I really got a chuckle out of these.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Sue Jones said...

All gold! Ha ha - Have a wonderful weekend xx Soojay

Lynn Holland said...

Hettie you are personally responsible for me being pushed out into the cold. My husband could not stand my hysterical laughter any longer ..........
Pants dropped and disability allowance did it. I was hysterical laughing. Philip said trust you to find that funny šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

Felix the Crafty Cat said...

These are killer funny but for some reason him-in-doors didn't appreciate some of them, can't think why! Have a great weekend, Angela x

mamapez5 said...

You are so good at finding the right thing to make us all laugh. Thanks for another happy post. Kate x

Lisca said...

Sooo funny! I have to read them out to him indoors as I started to giggle softly but when the pants dropped I laughed out loud and of course he wants to know why.... I wonder if he finds them funny too.
Have a good week,

Kathleen said...

Still funny.

Kath x

Mrs A. said...

Every ones a winner. Hugs Mrs A.

Robyn Oliver said...

OOOHH Hettie I so needed that laughing - your funnies have started off my Sunday wonderfully...fab jokes. Have a gorgeous weekend, hugs Robyn

JoZart Designs said...

I can hardly type for laughing! Now the decision ... shall I tell DH all of them or do one a day incase he collapses,
Love Jo x

Diane said...

Oh Hettie, thanks for all the laughs.

Hugs Diane