Friday, 13 June 2014

Friday Funny


B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny....




NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.

15 comments:

SARN said...

Well this had be ROFLMAO!

Hilarious . . . must remember this if I ever fill in another application form.

Happy Friday

Hugs, Sarn xxx

Kathyk said...

LMAO here too!

Have a fab (and fun) weekend - I've linked to your FF from my blog too

Kathyk

Kathyk

Di said...

Brilliant Sam! Gave me a good laugh here :)

Hugs, Di xx

mamapez5 said...

Great fun. I had a really good laugh over that. Kate x

Annie said...

Oh Sam that is really funny. I wish I had the nerve to write similar. I bet he is a real character...I'd love to meet him.
Hugs,
Annie x

Mrs.D said...

That is so funny, wish I could have been as confident when I last filled in an application form.
Thanks for sharing
Chris

Karen Petitt said...

Oh now that is fabulous! lol! xx

Caro said...

Too funny for words! Thanks for the giggle. Caro x (#8)

Sue said...

Lmaoooooo Sam huggles Sue xxx

Helen said...

Nice one, Sam!! Love his sense of humour.

Bleubeard and Elizabeth said...

If only more of us were this brave and honest when applying for a job, the world would be a MUCH HAPPIER place. Yes, I'm still smiling, dear!!

Judys Fabrications said...

I love this too Hettie!

butterfly said...

Yup, I'd hire him too... the world could do with a bit more honesty!
Alison xx

Angela Radford said...

This is very funny, love it. Unfortunately I have never worked for anyone with a sense of humour Lol!
I think I would employ him because he is obviously very honest.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Have a great weekend, Angela x @ Felix the Crafty Cat

Princess Judy Palmer said...

I love the desired salary! Such a hoot!!!