Friday, 20 December 2013

Friday Funny

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance
In this position your aging, toneless (God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance". 

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,
 "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.  

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. 

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.  
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto theTOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get". 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. 
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. 
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. 

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, ..... so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
 You are no longer able to smile politely to them.  A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this". 

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ........... 

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
 (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! 

Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find...
Always Lifts You Up... 
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging, And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! 

Share with anyone who needs a good laugh!


Sandra (Stamping For Pleasure) said...

. . . and THAT is precisely why I carry a packet of tissues with me AT ALL TIMES! I am definitely a loo germ phobic! xxx

Kathyk said...

OMG! I SWEAR I've used that rest room too!


Annie said...

You're my favourite bra Sam :-) :-)
Thanks for today's chuckle. Hoping you and yours have a wonderful Christmas and here's to many more chuckles in 2014
Annie x

JoZart said...

LOL! So very true. Ben Elton used to do a stand up comedy act all about women visiting WC's and every time I have to use one I think of things he said. He started with a discussion on how we decide which cubicle to use. eg., if you go to the end one will it be used less or will everyone think the same? Does everyone therefore use the middle one? If someone makes a rude noise will everyone think it was you? Once that happened and a loud voice exclaimed "That wasn't me!" ... it probably was!! If there is a toilet roll in the machine you always have to "walk" your fingers around it for ages to find the end.... etc.
Now I'll also be thinking of all you wrote too so I'll be in there even longer!!!!.
Jo x

Di said...

Yup, been there and got the T-shirt! So funny Sam :))

Hugs, Di xx

Mrs A. said...

Now you just add into the equation someone with cystitis and yep I have most defo been there, here and everywhere!!!!!
I can laugh today but good job you didn't post this Monday.
Hugs Mrs A.

Nan G said...

ROFLOL! No worries about the puddle on the floor I just rolled in it. :)))

Twiglet said...

So true Sam - thanks for the giggle. x Jo

Lunch Lady Jan said...

That's a cracker!!
Happy Christmas :-)
Hugs, LLJ xx

Karen Petitt said...

OMG!! That just about sums up every time I have had to use a public convenience. Whose convenience it was for is a completely different matter, got to share this with DH, thank you for the laugh hun xx

Bonnie said...

Ha! Been there! It's much funnier reading about it!

scrappymo! said...

Been there!!! About fifteen years ago when my eldest really started travelling, I started to put little plastic envelopes of 10 toilet seat covers and 10 personal wipes in their stockings at Christmas with a little note...happy travels! I think they were Sharmin brand. Now they only make 5 packs.
My younger daughter was about 22 at the time and laughed and teased me that it was a silly gift. The eldest looked at her with disbelief and said You obviously have not been to the toilets I have been to!
I still give them but they will be 5 packs this year!

Elizabeth said...

Oh Sam, I'm crying with laughter now ... so funny and so true. I now go nowhere without a pack of handy tissues and a bottle of hand cleanser in my bag - you can never be too careful :) I wonder if I am the only person who has walked into a restroom only to beat a hasty retreat and demand that DH takes me to another, and all because of my grandmother's dire warning about the diseases you could get!!! Happy Christmas, Elizabeth xx

Kathleen said...

I have seen this before but still made a good second read and brought a smile.
I was once in Bangkok airport and had to go to the loo and became the first in the queue, a Lady came out of a toilet and I started to go to take my place, when the toilet assistant said "that is a squat toilet, I really don't think you would want to go there" a proper toilet became vacant so I went in there and to be honest I wished I'd gone in the squat one.

Kath x

fairy thoughts said...

He he
Here wishing you a wonderful Christmas

Kyla said...

Oh my, the truth is out! :-)