Hellooooo....

Florida woman stops alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol 

 

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? 

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

 "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" 

 "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It's one of the best pistols in my collection!  Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."

"His insurance was the big bonus. I’m comfortable now." 

I know it has been a while since I have been here but busy busy with working and studying.  Never mind, I am joining in with Annie over at Friday Smiles!!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Hettie 

Friday Funny

 The old man placed an order for one hamburger,  French fries and a drink .  He unwrapped the plain hamburger and  carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them ,... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old  lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and  occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we  are used to sharing everything..' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping  his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered

"THE TEETH.'

Off to join Annie at Friday Smiles.  Have a great weekend!!!

Friday Funny...

Men Jokes   ....................... A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN. One day my housework-challengedHusband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Brisbane Broncos !' And they say blondes are dumb... ________________________________________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....... _________________________________________ 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ____________________________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour _________________________________________ Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ________________________________________ Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practising to be men. _________________________________________ Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. . _________________________________________ Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ________________________________________ Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.. _________________________________________ Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals' _________________________________________ While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world......... ......then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.  _________________________________________ I am sharing this with Annie on Friday Smiles!!  Have a good weekend everyone!!

Friday Funny

Visit to the Doctors

Those who 'do not' have a perverted sense of humour need to leave now...

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me.’

'This one's kind of strange…'

'Let me be the judge of that,'The doctor replied

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.

"'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' she implored. 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.

'You're simply going through the change!

Off to share this with Annie for the Friday Smiles.  You have to admit I have made you smile!!

Have a good weekend.  Think of me having to work hard tomorrow.  My first Saturday shift in my new job!!

Friday Funny

 Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on holiday

 She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,  who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

 I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me,” he replied.

Off to share this with Annie for her Friday Smiles.  

Sorry I have not been around much lately, but starting my new job and a course recently I have been running around like a B A F!!!  I hope things have settled a little lately and will soon be back to my usual self!!

Hettie

xx

Friday Funnies

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

 ________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

 I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,

'Yes..'

 So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 

 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 ______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

 I said, "Dust."

 And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

 ______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said,

'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 And then the fight started........

 ________________________________

 I rear-ended a  car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 That's how the fight started.


Hope you enjoyed my funnies this morning.  Off to share them with Annie over at Friday Smiles!  Have a great weekend everyone!!

Hettie

Friday Funny

Hello Friends

I saw this on facebook earlier and it made me laugh so am sharing  it with you for my Friday Smiles with the lovely Annie....

1. 

Having spent my first week in my new job, this just about sums me up!!  My brain feels like it is going to explode with all the new information that has been pushed in there, as well as all the driving!!  But I am in a group with some youngsters and they have kept me smiling all week!so cannot be too bad!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Hugs

Hettie

Friday Smiles

Hello My Lovely Friends

Happy Friday everyone.  I have a little change to my usual Friday Funny.  I actually have two photos of yours truly going to bed!!

Last Friday I was sat at my sewing machine making the PJ bottoms that you see me wearing.  As I sat there making them, I could not help but think of my Mum and all the happy times we were at quilting workshops, sewing days, lace days and was smiling the whole time.  I emailed our dear friend Annie a picture of the fabric and  told her I was smiling as I was making them and on finishing the PJs on Monday she insisted I shared photos of me wearing them today.  So here I am toddling off up to bed with my Rupert and hot water bottle.  Well it is cold right now!!

Please do enlarge the photo to see the little characters on the fabric.  I bought the fabric in Doughtys in Hereford, purely on a whim as I just knew it would make great PJs!!  I didn't want a matching top so I bought the t-shirt from a store on a well known auction site!!

And now I suppose you want a joke as well.....Here goes!!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past MacDonalds. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the 401, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my

wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

Right then, I hope you like that one.  Thanks to my little friend Kath for this one!!!

Off to join my friend Annie for the usual Friday Smiles!!

Hugs and have a great weekend.

Hettie

Friday Funny

Something to ponder as we head into 2016.

 

 

 

Old Man and Boy

 

 

                        

 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town, the boy rode on the donkey, the old man walked.   As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."   

 

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, they changed positions.  

 

Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk," they then decided they'd both walk.   

 

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."   

 

They both decided to ride the donkey.   

 

They passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."   

 

The boy and the man figured they were probably right, they decide to carry the donkey.  

 

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.   

 

The moral of the story, if you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. 

 

Have a nice day.

Off to join in with Annie's Smiles on Friday.   Have a good weekend.

Friday Funny

              

BEST  AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

An Aussie walks into a pub  and takes a seat next to a very attractive  woman...  

He gives her a  quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a  moment. 

The woman  notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 

'No', he  replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was  just testing it..' 

The intrigued  woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?  

''What's so  special about it?' 

The Aussie  explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me  telepathically.' 

The lady says,  'What's it telling you now?' 

Well, it  says you're not wearing any knickers.' 

The woman  giggles and replies

'Well it must  be broken because I am wearing knickers!' 

The Aussie  smiles, taps his watch and says,  

'Bloody thing's  an hour fast!'

Tee hee!!  I hope this made you smile as I am off to join Annie with her Friday Smiles.

Friday Funny

 A Very good friend of mine shared these with me so I am just passing them on to you.....

Marriage (Part I)

Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. 

Those are my rules. Any comments?'

 

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

 

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************

 

 

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

 

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

 

 

*****************************************

 

Marriage (Part III)

 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

 

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

 

*****************************************

 

Marriage (Part IV)

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

 

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************

 
 

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

****************************************

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Now that I have made you smile, hope over to Annie's where you will see more reasons to smile!

Friday Funny

The World economy explained with two cows ......

 SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.ĵ

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 INVESTMENT CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

One of them is a horse.

Off to share these with Annie.  I hope these made you smile!!  Have a great weekend.