Two Ladies talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS
Friday, 31 July 2015
Monday, 27 July 2015
Rudolph Day - July Already????
Hello there
I am baaaaack!! Have you missed me?
I have decided it is about time I take a hold of my mojo and give him a stern talking to and when that did not work then a bar or two of chocolate and he decided to return and do his job!! Well, you didn't think I would miss out on Rudolph Day did you? I cannot believe it is July already!! I got a flurry of paperclips thrown at me today when I dared to mention that it was only four more pay days until the Big Day!!
So then, onto my Rudolph Day card....
I was given a bunch of envelopes that are a different size to standard so I bought some card from the local Art shop in order to cut my own.
I do wish you could see it IRL as it is brimming with Perfect Pearls shimmer.
The main image is Penny Black which stamp I bought in Absolutely Everything last year stamped with Archival Potting Soil. I mounted this onto a Snippet of gold cardstock and then dark brown cardstock and tied with a piece of ribbon. I stamped the Tim Holtz text stamp on the main card with Frayed Burlap and then sprinkled Perfect Pearls over before stamping again with the Tim Holtz Christmas stamp. I mounted the PB image and added a little Poinsettia which I cut using Snippets and edged with gold embossing powder, finishing off with a little glossy accents and gold micro beads. Another one for my box.
Thanks for calling by. Off to see what has been going on down at the Snippets Playground. Also off to join Mo with the Rudolph Day of course.
Thanks for calling by.
Hettie
Friday, 24 July 2015
Friday Funny
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f**king wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f**king wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge........ show him your F**king BADGE!!"
Linking this with Annie!!
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge........ show him your F**king BADGE!!"
Linking this with Annie!!
Friday, 17 July 2015
Friday Funny
A husband and wife are traveling by car. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for £350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth £350.
When the clerk tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, " complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says,this cheque is only made out for £50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you £300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Thanks Kath for sending me this!!
Off to share this with Annie!
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for £350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth £350.
When the clerk tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, " complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says,this cheque is only made out for £50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you £300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Thanks Kath for sending me this!!
Off to share this with Annie!
Friday, 10 July 2015
Friday Funny
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day” replied Bob.
I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”.
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”.
“I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day” replied Bob.
I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection”.
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half”.
“I see”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Happy Birthday Mum..
Hello there!!
I know I haven't been around too much recently, but with these lovely light evenings I am making the most of them!! No self respecting weed will be showing their face for a while!!
I thought I should share the card I made for my Mum a few weeks ago...
The papers are all left overs from the Graphic 45 pad I used for Leslie's album. I must get another pad as I like this one so much.
I even dug out some very VERY old birthday stickers. No idea which century I bought those in!! Some lace and pearls too.
I just love the little details in this pad...even the stamps were on a strip in the pad.
These little cards were on another sheet. Just tucked behind the birdie is a strip of a new punch I bought recently. Of course I used a Snippet to make it!
I used Gathered Twigs DI to ink throughout .
Off to join in the fun and frolic at the Snippet Playground as this car consists entirely of Snippets!
Thanks for calling by.
Hettie
Friday, 3 July 2015
Friday Funny that is true
A true story to bring a ‘smile to your dial’.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared. Sharing it with Annie with Friday Smiles!
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