Friday, 4 October 2013

Friday funny

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11..  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.


Sandra (Stamping For Pleasure) said...

! And that's why I don't have a cat! xxx

Annie said...

I have two dogs and no cat! Had one once and the nurse at the vets still has the scars to prove it :-)
Annie x
Ps didn't have enough bluetac for a whole person and Julia said I only needed to stick the pins in the butt :-) pink would work well hehehe

Terry said...

I am a dog person and I can honestly say that does not always work! I have had a couple that no matter what or how I attempt to sneak in a pill, can eat around the pill and leave it untouched! Enjoy the weekend!

Karen Petitt said...

Until DH got me Eddy, 8 years ago, we had cats before him, in fact four cats all of varying ages.
I have tears rolling down my cheeks and have had to read it to DH - thank you huni you have really cheered us both up and we've had a good laugh.
Yet we both know that this is so true. Both of us have been scratched and bitten more times than we wish to remember just attempting to give a cat a tablet.
Eddy has allergies so has to have an antihistamine every day, lol, I just pop it into a piece of cheese and it's gone lol! xx

Elizabeth said...

This is so funny, Hettie, my sides are hurting, though why I should laugh when Bonnie, The Boss, gives us the same hard time when we have to apply ear drops!?!?

A few years ago, in Buxton, I had an evening with Alan Titchmarsh ... me and a few hundred others ... and he recited this - it hurt my sides then too but I thought a lot of it was down to his delivery, so funny. Now I know it was the content too :) Off to remind the EM of that evening ... well, you didn't think he'd let me have an evening with Mr T on my own did you :)

Hugs, Elizabeth xx

Caro said...

I have read this so many times before but it never fails to make me laugh so much that tears run down my cheeks. Thanks for sharing a smile. Caro x (#7)

Kathleen said...

Hilarious, I hate cats.

Kath x

Mrs A. said...

Reading this was a bit of a sting in the tail today. Had phone call from the vets today with results of the Whimps latest blood test. Not good. He has to stop immediately the pills he was on and take antibiotics for the next 10 days. Oh yes the vet lady said its in pill form and same size as the others and yes you can crush them up on his food. Like heck I can. First they is twice as big and second The Docs heaviest hammer didn't even leave a dent in the said pill. Ended breaking it into chunks with my bare hands and now have no finger nails left. Please advise as to how I give him the next pill tomorrow morning. Cat now hiding behind the washing machine!! hugs Mrs A.
p.s. I have tried all of those ideas in the past and had a tetnus jab administered by the vet himself!! He said it would save me having to go to the hospital!!!!!!

Mrs A. said...

p.p.s. Who says I ain't dun a chook?
hugs Mrs A.

The Crafty Laydee said...

Oh,this has made me laugh!!
Especially the bit about the RULER!
Tee hee,have a lovely weekend,Nessa xxx

Helen said...

Roaring with laughter here. Knew there was a good reason to ban all domestic animals., lol!!

butterfly said...

I've loved this for a long time - it still makes me squeal with laughter!!
Alison xx

Bonnie said...

LOL, that's why I don't have a cat anymore! Thanks for the hearty laugh!